Why all teachers agree with David Laws.

Michael Gove and David Laws surprised the teaching profession today with the announcement of, for once, an accurate and sound-minded policy. Teachers refuse to work longer than the 9 - 3, and as we know, those six hours are dedicated to the systematic beheading of every child's hopes for the future. Children's natural buoyancy and resilience makes this an exhausting ordeal, and teachers' reserves of negativity are insufficiently full to finish their task: to drag down GCSE grades and ruin their pupils' lives, because teachers are lazy, vindictive and they hate children.

As such, teachers welcome David Laws' announcement that teachers are to blame for fostering 'depressingly low expectations'. Maybe now this has been recognised, teachers can be permitted to want their pupils to do ok for themselves, thus saving them the effort of whispering demoralising abuse into the ear of every child in their class each day, reminding them to never venture outside of their home towns (unless they want to attend a mediocre higher education institution, for these are permissible).

The Words of the Teacher at 3:10pm

Right then! Ten minutes, what was it - ohyeah - ok!

Hand signal! Hand signal! Look at sir - TABLE POINTS! 

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Right - you're not looking - ohhhhh kay. PENCILS ... ohhhhh dear. Pencils down, I shouldn't have to say that. Right, now we've been talking today abou-

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Look at sir!! Table points!!!

Thank you - about liquids. We did our experiment and we thought about the particles. Tell your partner everything you know about particles. 

What do you know about particles. Party! Particles particles. What are particles. They're dots. What is particles?

OHHHKAYTHENLETMESEEE ... what do you think?

... Hmm, not happy, you had time for that. I will come back to you. Someone on this table then NOT someone... who has their hand up... ok.

Hmm! Not bad, sort of... How about - actually no, we'll come back to you now you've had a bit of extra time. What do you think then?

No            you can not. Time waits for no man, not least you. 

Very sad.

I want to choose someone else then, maybeeeeeeee - WHAT, is it so urgent you need to - of course it is. What then? 

Honest to God. You are nine you really ought to be able to control your bladder a bit more than this. YES, of course you can go, I don't want - oh forget it, just please go now. Thanks. Be quick! Right, oh. Erm - right so I was sayiiiiing. What you need to do is - PENCIL DOWN - oh ok a new question can you IF YOU DON'T LISTEN                           you won't know the question will you? Exactly, so what do you need to do? Yes.

Right - actually, you know what, I'm good at telling the time, I know what time it is. No help needed thanks.

What was I saying - ah! OK, last one then - show me you learned it - can you name any liquid - any at all - talk to you partner.

Can you name a liquid!!! LIQUID LIQUID!!!! Liquid. Birena and lemon. Coke. Juice. Oil. My wee. No my wee. Rain. What ... what was the question. IS IT HOMETIME YET? Show me.

OH KAY THEN. Right, I'm lookinggggggg for...

Ah, you look like you're listening hard - can you name me any liquid.

No. Are you seri - no, chimney is not a liquid. Right just line up.